Entry 4 – Taking it down TOWN!

Self confidence in a deficit, worse the economy of America and Britain. It’s been lost somewhere! I think maybe it ran away with Drive, Self Image and Self Worth. There like on a New Orleans party bus that has disappeared into the black whole of the Bermuda triangle. In its place some vagrant mother fuckers have moved in, Self doubt, Depression, Self pity, and Negativity. It’s like there is this need to be self loathing out there. To many give up before they even start. They fail at something small, and so trying something large is impossible. Trying becomes too hard, and laziness sets in. I can’t really say that anyone else is better than someone else in this regard cause that would make me a hypocrite. Because I do the same thing sometimes. But by gosh, I am trying to do anything and everything I can to find those wonder lust good vibes again.

 

Find the courage in yourself. That’s what I say to myself every day. Live the life you want, not the life that has been given to you. Cause even if there is a God, even if there is re-incarnation. You only get to live this life once. What is there to lose? You can be happy, you can be successful, you can have everything you want.  All you have to do is not give up on yourself. Dream big, live large, fuck hard, don’t let anyone tell you how to do any of the above.  Find that faith you should have in yourself first and foremost.

 

The world Champion doesn’t think “I am not going to do this today.” She thinks “I am going to shave half a second of this run today.” Or “I am going to paint something so wonderful and complex on this canvas of humanity, that people will be dumb struck, awed and orgasming from it. “ She doesn’t think “I missing a color oh fucking no!”

 

So take control, you got what it takes. You ARE BEAUTIFUL! You ARE WONDERFUL! You ARE INTELLEGENT! Now prove me right! Note to everyone reading this: Though it directed at some things that are upsetting me right now, this is more for me then anyone else. But if you feel this is directed at you, maybe you should do something about it haha.

Entry 3 – Communication

 

 

There is moments in my life where I feel I have reached a new panicle of thought and reason.  Where something I have done, some action that I have taken has led me to a new place. A place where thing work differently than they did yesterday. Yesterday, Today and hopefully tomorrow and the ever present future I hope are those days. I have found a certain level of peace in the fact that I can now communicate on a level that I never did before. I feel that I have broken down one of my barriers as a male of holding things in. I am speaking calmly, openly and honestly with those I care about. I am not letting my anger get in the way. I am teaching myself not to be abrasive and agitated, and yet still feel upset and emotional when it is needed.

 

I spent most of yesterday communicating with my Kitten and my Tiger. Many heartfelt, sometimes painful thing were said.  However, now that t hey are said a weight has been lifted off of me, and them as well, I believe. I feel that for us to move forward we only have to communicate. Truthful, without fear.

 

There is also the ability to communicate with oneself. I feel that all of us, are finding better, more health ways to speak to our inner self’s. We are learning that the images we are painting of ourselves sometimes need to be cleaned up, refocused or reconstructed. Yet, we are also learning that we are able to keep the parts that feel most like home. This journey is a journey that will take a life time. A life time of trying. I am glad to be on it.

 

~Storm

 

Post 2 – Vulnerable I be.

There is a deep and dark place in me. I know some other can relate, but this will be about me. This deep dark place is where I am vulnerable. Where I am delicate. Where I am fragile. This place is hard to express, for its sheer breakability allows one to very easily make me fall to pieces. These pieces then  have to be re-collected, glued, and re-painted before they are back to being whole. I have grown good at putting these piece back to their whole state. However, I feel that I should not have to break every time something gets to my vulnerable place.

 

There is a part of me that I feel that is beginning to shine. A part of me that feels that it is alright to be Vulnerable. In that vulnerability I can find real strength. A strength to take a hit that bruises me, to take a hit that normal would crush me. Now though fragile, delicate and vulnerable I be, I shall not let damages done to me, be the end of me. I shall learn from this, I shall find strength in my tears. I shall find strength in my pain. I shall find strength in my faith that everything is going to get better.

 

I have learned that its okay to be strong and vulnerable at the same time. That this is not a weakness, but my greatest asset. That I can be real, to me, to you, and to everyone else. That I can put these words up without fear. I know some will not agree. Let them. There words are just as important as mine. We don’t have to agree. I am not afraid of Trolls, Goblins, Orcs or Dragons. I am not afraid to be real, honest, and open.

 

I shall share my hopeless and yet beautiful romantic notion of what it means to be submissive, to be dominant, to be a princess, a *Dolly*, A daughter, a Mother and above all else me. Whether that me is a Women trapped in a man’s body. A queer who loves everything and is willing to learn. Whether that is someone who is afraid and not afraid to admit to it. I have flaws, each of them makes me who I am just as much as my boons make me who I am. I shall find a way to walk through these flaws, to make them part of me so they don’t offend and don’t harm.

 

I am not what others make of me, but I am myself, a whole and I love me. Vulnerable and strong.

Post 1 – A journey started a new

I started a journey on my other profile, one where I said I was going to write 365 entries. Entries about me, words that flow from me and to reach a goal. I am going to be honest that I faltered here. That I have stopped writing, that I should be writing more. I do write for leisure still, but not enough about my thoughts. I feel that for me to work through a lot of my problems that I do need to write. Because it hard for me express things verbally some times. Sometimes I need to see the words on the page in front of me for them to really reach me. So here is me, saying I am reasserting my writing journey. This will be my first post. Number *1*. Yes I am starting from scratch. Each post will attest to my step forward. If I falter for too long, I shall start anew. Until I find the strength to reach my goal. Each time I fail though, I succeed. For the Journey was made, and attempted. The summit might not have been met, but I will have taken a step in that direction.

Rant! Mark II

So I have a couple of rants to get out of my system. Like maybe big ones so whoever reads this you might want to be prepared for some major rantage to go on. Yes I know the word Rantage is not really a word at all, but this is me carrying. So something I really need to burn off and maybe I will feel better on the inside. Keeping some of this stuff inside of me is like a poison so lets spew the poison out and hope it give me room to heal. I am going to start off with the lesser of the two rants.

 

First. What the hell is going on with people these days? Of course that’s a weird way to start a rant, or a general way to start one but I digress. So people namely a friend of a friend who I have been friendly with so really a friend of mine as well, or so I thought is like uber bipolar. I swear. One minute she is like “OMG I need your help with something.” Then next minute she fucking takes me off facebook, and stops talking to me. Because she feels that I am to confused. Fucking get over yourself. I know who I am. It is you who is confused about your gender identity. It is you who  can’t control your other Personalities. You know DID is bad for you if you don’t actually address it and let some of them be evil. Note: there are several people in my life who have DID this is not about you guys at all. Just this one dumb butt head. I also don’t care if this person ever reads this. Because you have had your chances with me. Three is enough for me. You’re out.

 

And though I have said that I really need to continue on that vein for a minute. She is friend with my Partner who lives in California. Who is also my Submissive, who is also moving her happy ass out here soon. She is awesome, and she has enough bullshit in her life already. So hey you dumb bitch, stop dragging her down because you can’t handle your own shit. Cause I swear if you hear her again, I will find a way to get out there kick your sorry ass. I don’t care that I am bigger then you, and transition. I am a woman; you’re a woman and ill school you on what it means to hurt someone I love. And you partner in crime, see though I don’t always state it you are on my mind and I worry about you!

 

Okay onto second rant!

 

Why are people so blind? I mean really! Look here the issue. Some people get into the wrong relationship. The guy or girl doesn’t treat you right, and you stick around longer then you should. We all of done this. However! If you are in said relationship and not doing anything to improve it, and the other person isn’t changing their wicked ways as it were. Why in god’s name are you still with them. I know abuse is something that everyone thinks is black and white. But I’ll tell you this. There is spiritual abuse too. The type that takes away everything we dream about, we fantasize about, we long for. It can be as bad if not worse than physical or emotional abuse. Because it takes away someone’s spirit. If the words “I don’t have dreams anymore.” Have come out of your mouth. Then you are in the wrong relationship! If you say “Sex is a habit for me now and I derive no enjoyment out of it!” then my god do something to change that. If the person can’t give you privacy and is constantly riding you because you happen to flirt with someone. Well guess what, they are insecure. That insecurity one day will turn into something that will hurt you more then there words. Grow up, learn and move on. I know it’s a scary thing, I know its hard. I know Stockholm syndrome is something that most of don’t believe in, but damn break the routine and find a better life. God damn!

 

Well I guess that wasn’t so bad of a rant. Got them out of my system. Love you all and glad to be able to vent.

A rant! Mark 1

Sometimes I wonder why trying is even worth it. Only some times though, about a small percentage of the time I wonder about it, is probably equal to 6% maybe 8% of the time. I mean that isn’t that bad, I know some people think about that shit like 80% of the time, and don’t even bother. I do bother though. I make an honest attempt at things. Yes sometimes I fail, sometimes I do stupid things. Sometimes I forget that the world doesn’t revolve around my problems. But that doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to feel emotional repressed, or to even do the opposite and let my emotions out. For all of those who don’t really know me, and for those who think they do. Here is something you should probably know. When I am emotional compromised, kind of like Spock in the new Star Trek Movie. I tend to let my flaws, and all my personal failing come to the surface. I become Arrogant, selfish, and self entitled. I smoke more, a lot more, like a pack a day or more. I also am easily offended, and well you know feel like shit.  But it’s a small percentage I swear.

 

The rest of the time, I rebound, the rest of the time, I treat all of those around me with respect. I actually listen to what people have to say, and I learn people. The rest of the time, you ask me to do something I will without asking for anything in return.  The rest of the time I will do something special for you even if you don’t see the meaning behind it. The rest of the time I will be loyal and devote like a good girl going to church on Sunday. I walk the walk and I talk the talk. I show you honesty and truth, and I try to let you in as far under my armor as possible. I make myself vulnerable to you.

 

And in return, I get told that I am not good enough. That I don’t have a job! That you can’t let me in cause of your own personal problems. Look I have baggage too, but I do the best to make sure that you are not the one that has to carry that shit. But at the end of the day, what can do about that. You live on, you keep going. You find a way to make ends meet, you do what you need to do. Remember people, we are free! Ha ha ha. Case and point is that no mater what words I type here, no mater how often I rant and rave, things don’t change. They will stay the same, and people will evolve or they wont. End point.

Just a bit of Katchup…

It is time again for the words of a sadly inadequate poet. Not that what I am about to write is poetry at all. Its actually just a easy update on all that has been going on. This week has been sadly…. Uneventful. NOT!!! After recovering on Tuesday, I spent a great deal of time talking to my loves. I have been role playing a wickedly awesome game with My sweet Tiger. And I have been working on growth my little kitten. They are growing and learning. And though the arguments are still happening, since one of my earlier post they have become less. I went to EsoErotica at Always Lounge and enjoyed some great poetry. Then had a good night with my Kitten and then road a bike home.

 

I tell you this now, if you haven’t ridden a bike in years. Don’t think that you can do a five mile ride just like that. You can’t lol. My legs are killing me. I have been sleeping a lot more lately, which I think might be due to not enough sleep or more activity, but it also might be due to being depressed. I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not but I got my nails done and my eye brows waxed. Just one more step on becoming a women. My mom is ordering my first pair of heels and they should be here soon. They are going to so rock socks. Yes You heard me right my mother. I know that I don’t always get along with her, but I do know that even then, she still accepts me for who I am. Even if she don’t like it.

 

I talked to her for a few minutes today. We talked about some of the stuff I am already going to do when I feel it is the right time about the issues that have been facing me with my sister. I am upset about a lot of it, but I am taking my time addressing it to give myself time to have perspective and also gain the necessary energy to possibly have an argument. Not that it will solve anything. But I don’t give up with out a fight. I need to just keep working at my life and it will continue to get better.

 

My smoking habit has gotten worse, mostly due to stress and feeling slightly depressed. And I have had a nagging cough since this weekend. Though I think I might have caught a cold, it hasn’t taken me down yet. It just making me cough a lot. On further news, since Tuesday this week I have read 5 books. Actually read not listen to an audio book. So either I have way to much time. Which is the case some times, or…. I am just getting faster at reading. I have also noticed my typing skill has become a bit faster. Now if only my spelling and grammar would catch up.

 

I have been listening to Pandora a lot. And have a new fancy with Greek mythology again. I am also starting to think about writing a story again. Not sure what though. I feel that my creativity wanes and flows like the moon on her ever rotating phases. But we will see what comes about when I start this time. I know it takes focus and dedication to write something that isn’t a short story. But who knows. Alright that is enough words for now. Talk to you all later.

 

~Storm

not another day in paradice

I do not even know how to start this post. I have a whole weekend to write for, and try to give it the proper face of my feelings and emotional states. But damn, it was complicated this weekend. A weekend that was supposed to be filled with role playing, movie watching and just fun time with the family, turned into a wild party like atmosphere where people did things that probably wasn’t the brightest thing to do. We barely watched the show properly, we never role played, and a lot of small offense where made.

But with all that said and done, with everything, that’s not what was upsetting to me. What upsets me, is that I will never be as pretty or desirable as the people I hang out with. If I am lucky I might get a bit more attention after I have gone through countless surgeries and have spent more money then I will ever make to look more womanly. But at the end of the day, I am just not drawing the same level of attention. I know people love me, I know I have people in my life that care about me. But every single one of those people didn’t find me cause I was beautiful, sexy, or desirable, they found me because I have a kind heart, and reached out to them to be there friends.

I know I sound sad and miserable like someone who has no self confidence. Which is not the case, I do. I just want to be desired, I want people to want me for how I look just as much as my rock awesome personality. Then every thing just kind of circled away from some of the very things I wanted to do the most.

I don’t like to be pushy, or to fight with people that I care about. I don’t like to be like danmit you promised me and now everyone fucking flaked. I don’t want to throw a childish temper-tantrum. But how do I express that I was displeased with being insulted by friend countless times, and then the one thing I was uber looking foreward to didn’t  happen because someone got upset and left, and then someone else didn’t know how to deal with that so refused to play and the last player just didn’t want to do it. Just like really. I guess I shouldn’t put much attachment in the things I want to do with others. Most of the time, what I want, isn’t what others want and I should just face that.

I hate opening myself up to people to. I shared some really deep stuff trying to help others, and was like oh okay. Thanks, but I’ll do my own thing instead. I don’t know if you can tell but I am irrated as all shit. I had a good time this weekend don’t get me wrong, I loved watching true blood, and I really loved spending time with everyone. I just have had a moment of jealousy of others beauty. Felt a bit insulted by some of the people there, and just like the one thing I was begging for never happened.

Lastly is I stayed with Jade to help take care of her and she took someone else to her bed. Even though I stayed to help her with everything. I didn’t want to “Sleep with her” but it would  have been nice to have been given the offer to lay next to her to help her through the night. I feel a bit underappreciated some times.  And I try not to make her feel like she needs to do things differently. But I really do invest a good part of my life right now helping her through things, talking to her about things, loving her as only I am able to, and would just like attention some times. Eh, the woes of a wingeing slave right.

Well I guess that is it.

The day after a weird day

Today, what a beginning of a day. It is 6:30 in the morning and my niece is crying. I don’t like starting my day’s off like this, but alas today was one of those days. I am struggling today, because my emotions are still really close to the surface. Who needs hormone replacement, just be me, I apparently do it far more naturally then the average human being. So yesterday was weird, just odd things happening left and right.

 

The biggest was, a ex-lover, semi good friend, who has found Jesus. By the way I have no problems with Jesus, nor do I have any problems with god. I might do a blog on my beliefs so people can understand it later. But I am not anti-Christian, I am anti-dogma. So that being said, I told her that I was seeking the Gender Re-assignment. She knows about me have DiD, however she assumed that I was seeking gender re-assignment because of my other personality. To be honest it is a contributing factor, but if you understand the fractures in my mind you would understand the female personality only existed because I disassociated the emotions associated with her. That being said, she wasn’t the only reason I choose the path I am on. But this friend, decided to say that “There are daemons in me.” That DID is not real. And that I needed to seek redemption.

 

Normally, if someone said those things to me, I would hall of and knock some sense into them. Because speaking to anyone like that, when it isn’t actually true, is just plain disrespectful. But because I have emotions for this person, I respectful disagreed, and warned them that I would not be preached at.  Then I had a mild argument with one of my submissives. Told you constantly fighting. Yes I am putting it in here, even though I know that both of you have to read my journal. This will help to have you be accountable for your actions. This argument was resolved, but it shouldn’t happen again. But I would place bets to lose them if it doesn’t happen because it happens so regularly I don’t trust that it won’t.

 

Then I spent two and half hours pep talking my other submissive. Explaining to her some of the finer points of reality and also trying to be patient and understand of her condition.

 

Now, you ask what did I do for me yesterday. To be honest, I am not quite sure. I wrote a bit, I gave a new protocol. I talked to a good friend of mine in the UK who I miss madly. I got broken up with because of being a girl now. Which is a major over simplification and please no one bash the person if you know who it is, because they don’t swing that way and its okay.

 

I guess the best point was talking to the person I miss. She is so awesome. I have been crushing on her hardcore for a long time now. Two halloween’s ago we got pretty friendly, but not as far as either of us I think would have liked it to go. But now there is this big wet pound in our way. And it’s not one either of us can swim through, so we have to wait for vacations. I wish I could go back to the UK to visit my friends there. I was only there for two years, but go I made a few really fucking awesome friends over there. Distance sucks major donkey cock.

 

So what will I change about today. No arguments if I can get away with it. Have a bit of fun for myself, and talk to those who mater just as much as I do everyday. Remember those who read, these are my thoughts and I express them so that there aren’t hidden. But you need to know that some times I am not happy, cause if you know then you might be able to do something about it.

 

~Violet

Something on the inside

I haven’t really given out links to this blog yet, so if you find this you are probably some random individual that I don’t even know. Maybe you are one of the rare people in the next few hours that I will give the link. But I shall not give up my hopes or dreams that anyone actually reads my blogs. I have been doing this for years, and for years no one has been reading. Maybe its because I write this like an actual journal. Which means it here for me to work through some of the things that are going on in my head. So now is the time to start working through some of these things. If you comment or want to talk to me about it. Remember this is my journal if you read it and it upsets you, get over it. It is my thoughts. Thought’s don’t always mean you act on them. But I need to get them out of my head.

 

I am struggling. Really Struggling. But at the same time, I am trying to put up a good front. One that makes everyone happy to be around me. That I am not upset, depressed, or having serous self image issues. I have only recently become one with one of my other parts. Or more appropriately he became one with me. We are now Violet and its nice. I really love it. But goddamn its hard work trying to become the person you see in your minds eye. Then I am dealing with the fact that I am fighting almost constantly with both of my girlfriends. That my sister treats me like a slave. Which is all fine and dandy but I am not in a relationship with my sister. For obvious reasons, she is my sister. So being someone’s slave is kind of out of the question there. I work very hard at doing everything that everyone needs from me, and still be happy.

But it seems to me that I am failing at it some days. And I know the adage that you can’t please everyone. I am not trying to do that, I am just trying to do right by who I can, when i can. I really just need things to start working better for me. I am tired of all this negativity that seems to be affecting my life. I am trying hard really hard. Positive outlook and everything. I work hard at the jobs I do. I take care of those in my life. Some return it, others take more then they give.

That done for now, because I am not going to allow myself the abuse. Yea I am a women, but I am not a push over. I am a dominant strong individual who needs love, caring, and pampering. Sure I can be a princess. Sure I can be a bitch. Sure I can be a slut, and so many other words. But none of these things means I shouldn’t be treated like a human being. Because guess what that’s is what we all are at the end of the day. HUMANS.

There is so much going on I don’t even know where to start to elaborate. I really wish I could maybe getting some of it out of my head and on a digital format might let me look at it with a different perspective then the first person. But there is so much that right now I think this is all I will be able to write. But it is a start, the words are flowing and as they grow, maybe they will lay new seeds that i can pass on to new writings.

 

~Violet