Entry 4 – Taking it down TOWN!

Self confidence in a deficit, worse the economy of America and Britain. It’s been lost somewhere! I think maybe it ran away with Drive, Self Image and Self Worth. There like on a New Orleans party bus that has disappeared into the black whole of the Bermuda triangle. In its place some vagrant mother fuckers have moved in, Self doubt, Depression, Self pity, and Negativity. It’s like there is this need to be self loathing out there. To many give up before they even start. They fail at something small, and so trying something large is impossible. Trying becomes too hard, and laziness sets in. I can’t really say that anyone else is better than someone else in this regard cause that would make me a hypocrite. Because I do the same thing sometimes. But by gosh, I am trying to do anything and everything I can to find those wonder lust good vibes again.


Find the courage in yourself. That’s what I say to myself every day. Live the life you want, not the life that has been given to you. Cause even if there is a God, even if there is re-incarnation. You only get to live this life once. What is there to lose? You can be happy, you can be successful, you can have everything you want.  All you have to do is not give up on yourself. Dream big, live large, fuck hard, don’t let anyone tell you how to do any of the above.  Find that faith you should have in yourself first and foremost.


The world Champion doesn’t think “I am not going to do this today.” She thinks “I am going to shave half a second of this run today.” Or “I am going to paint something so wonderful and complex on this canvas of humanity, that people will be dumb struck, awed and orgasming from it. “ She doesn’t think “I missing a color oh fucking no!”


So take control, you got what it takes. You ARE BEAUTIFUL! You ARE WONDERFUL! You ARE INTELLEGENT! Now prove me right! Note to everyone reading this: Though it directed at some things that are upsetting me right now, this is more for me then anyone else. But if you feel this is directed at you, maybe you should do something about it haha.

Entry 3 – Communication



There is moments in my life where I feel I have reached a new panicle of thought and reason.  Where something I have done, some action that I have taken has led me to a new place. A place where thing work differently than they did yesterday. Yesterday, Today and hopefully tomorrow and the ever present future I hope are those days. I have found a certain level of peace in the fact that I can now communicate on a level that I never did before. I feel that I have broken down one of my barriers as a male of holding things in. I am speaking calmly, openly and honestly with those I care about. I am not letting my anger get in the way. I am teaching myself not to be abrasive and agitated, and yet still feel upset and emotional when it is needed.


I spent most of yesterday communicating with my Kitten and my Tiger. Many heartfelt, sometimes painful thing were said.  However, now that t hey are said a weight has been lifted off of me, and them as well, I believe. I feel that for us to move forward we only have to communicate. Truthful, without fear.


There is also the ability to communicate with oneself. I feel that all of us, are finding better, more health ways to speak to our inner self’s. We are learning that the images we are painting of ourselves sometimes need to be cleaned up, refocused or reconstructed. Yet, we are also learning that we are able to keep the parts that feel most like home. This journey is a journey that will take a life time. A life time of trying. I am glad to be on it.




Post 2 – Vulnerable I be.

There is a deep and dark place in me. I know some other can relate, but this will be about me. This deep dark place is where I am vulnerable. Where I am delicate. Where I am fragile. This place is hard to express, for its sheer breakability allows one to very easily make me fall to pieces. These pieces then  have to be re-collected, glued, and re-painted before they are back to being whole. I have grown good at putting these piece back to their whole state. However, I feel that I should not have to break every time something gets to my vulnerable place.


There is a part of me that I feel that is beginning to shine. A part of me that feels that it is alright to be Vulnerable. In that vulnerability I can find real strength. A strength to take a hit that bruises me, to take a hit that normal would crush me. Now though fragile, delicate and vulnerable I be, I shall not let damages done to me, be the end of me. I shall learn from this, I shall find strength in my tears. I shall find strength in my pain. I shall find strength in my faith that everything is going to get better.


I have learned that its okay to be strong and vulnerable at the same time. That this is not a weakness, but my greatest asset. That I can be real, to me, to you, and to everyone else. That I can put these words up without fear. I know some will not agree. Let them. There words are just as important as mine. We don’t have to agree. I am not afraid of Trolls, Goblins, Orcs or Dragons. I am not afraid to be real, honest, and open.


I shall share my hopeless and yet beautiful romantic notion of what it means to be submissive, to be dominant, to be a princess, a *Dolly*, A daughter, a Mother and above all else me. Whether that me is a Women trapped in a man’s body. A queer who loves everything and is willing to learn. Whether that is someone who is afraid and not afraid to admit to it. I have flaws, each of them makes me who I am just as much as my boons make me who I am. I shall find a way to walk through these flaws, to make them part of me so they don’t offend and don’t harm.


I am not what others make of me, but I am myself, a whole and I love me. Vulnerable and strong.

Post 1 – A journey started a new

I started a journey on my other profile, one where I said I was going to write 365 entries. Entries about me, words that flow from me and to reach a goal. I am going to be honest that I faltered here. That I have stopped writing, that I should be writing more. I do write for leisure still, but not enough about my thoughts. I feel that for me to work through a lot of my problems that I do need to write. Because it hard for me express things verbally some times. Sometimes I need to see the words on the page in front of me for them to really reach me. So here is me, saying I am reasserting my writing journey. This will be my first post. Number *1*. Yes I am starting from scratch. Each post will attest to my step forward. If I falter for too long, I shall start anew. Until I find the strength to reach my goal. Each time I fail though, I succeed. For the Journey was made, and attempted. The summit might not have been met, but I will have taken a step in that direction.