not another day in paradice

I do not even know how to start this post. I have a whole weekend to write for, and try to give it the proper face of my feelings and emotional states. But damn, it was complicated this weekend. A weekend that was supposed to be filled with role playing, movie watching and just fun time with the family, turned into a wild party like atmosphere where people did things that probably wasn’t the brightest thing to do. We barely watched the show properly, we never role played, and a lot of small offense where made.

But with all that said and done, with everything, that’s not what was upsetting to me. What upsets me, is that I will never be as pretty or desirable as the people I hang out with. If I am lucky I might get a bit more attention after I have gone through countless surgeries and have spent more money then I will ever make to look more womanly. But at the end of the day, I am just not drawing the same level of attention. I know people love me, I know I have people in my life that care about me. But every single one of those people didn’t find me cause I was beautiful, sexy, or desirable, they found me because I have a kind heart, and reached out to them to be there friends.

I know I sound sad and miserable like someone who has no self confidence. Which is not the case, I do. I just want to be desired, I want people to want me for how I look just as much as my rock awesome personality. Then every thing just kind of circled away from some of the very things I wanted to do the most.

I don’t like to be pushy, or to fight with people that I care about. I don’t like to be like danmit you promised me and now everyone fucking flaked. I don’t want to throw a childish temper-tantrum. But how do I express that I was displeased with being insulted by friend countless times, and then the one thing I was uber looking foreward to didn’t  happen because someone got upset and left, and then someone else didn’t know how to deal with that so refused to play and the last player just didn’t want to do it. Just like really. I guess I shouldn’t put much attachment in the things I want to do with others. Most of the time, what I want, isn’t what others want and I should just face that.

I hate opening myself up to people to. I shared some really deep stuff trying to help others, and was like oh okay. Thanks, but I’ll do my own thing instead. I don’t know if you can tell but I am irrated as all shit. I had a good time this weekend don’t get me wrong, I loved watching true blood, and I really loved spending time with everyone. I just have had a moment of jealousy of others beauty. Felt a bit insulted by some of the people there, and just like the one thing I was begging for never happened.

Lastly is I stayed with Jade to help take care of her and she took someone else to her bed. Even though I stayed to help her with everything. I didn’t want to “Sleep with her” but it would  have been nice to have been given the offer to lay next to her to help her through the night. I feel a bit underappreciated some times.  And I try not to make her feel like she needs to do things differently. But I really do invest a good part of my life right now helping her through things, talking to her about things, loving her as only I am able to, and would just like attention some times. Eh, the woes of a wingeing slave right.

Well I guess that is it.

One comment on “not another day in paradice

  1. Where to start? What is I was to say that reading all this yes people seek you for your kind heart, but there might be a few who seek you out for how sexy you are, how much they desire you, think that you are beautiful person? As for a weekend of doing things that are not to bright and a lot offense, would be a red flag in my book, yes I know you help them out and there for them to talk and to listen but A person who cares, loves and in a family would see what they are doing hurting another person in a family and would understand how that person feels.

    Hell I would set aside a day or even a week just for you and what you want to do, why would I want to take that away from someone I love?

    I know you dont want to be a child and show how you feel that way, the thing is how do you show it? I have been displeased from things that my friends have done. Flaked on me and has insulted me, I have told them how I feel and walked away. I was done feeling that way and had to do something about it, I am not the one to take it with out doing something about it. Something to think about.

    From a feeling in my heart I know what you were looking to do;
    “I was uber looking foreward to didn’t happen because someone got upset and left, and then someone else didn’t know how to deal with that so refused to play and the last player just didn’t want to do it. Just like really. I guess I shouldn’t put much attachment in the things I want to do with others. Most of the time, what I want, isn’t what others want and I should just face that.”
    Sometimes people/friends dont understand that its better to do something for someone you love and know that they want to do something Then to be selfish and get upset and walked away, dont want to play, or dont know how to deal with what is going on.

    After hearing about this weekend and feeling that your not being desirable, I want you to know that I love you very much, I desire you for everything that is YOU since the start, Hell sometimes I want more, to know about you, what you think dreams, hopes, there are things I want to ask but dont know how to tell you that doesn’t make me seem stupid.

    ~Audan

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