A rant! Mark 1

Sometimes I wonder why trying is even worth it. Only some times though, about a small percentage of the time I wonder about it, is probably equal to 6% maybe 8% of the time. I mean that isn’t that bad, I know some people think about that shit like 80% of the time, and don’t even bother. I do bother though. I make an honest attempt at things. Yes sometimes I fail, sometimes I do stupid things. Sometimes I forget that the world doesn’t revolve around my problems. But that doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to feel emotional repressed, or to even do the opposite and let my emotions out. For all of those who don’t really know me, and for those who think they do. Here is something you should probably know. When I am emotional compromised, kind of like Spock in the new Star Trek Movie. I tend to let my flaws, and all my personal failing come to the surface. I become Arrogant, selfish, and self entitled. I smoke more, a lot more, like a pack a day or more. I also am easily offended, and well you know feel like shit.  But it’s a small percentage I swear.


The rest of the time, I rebound, the rest of the time, I treat all of those around me with respect. I actually listen to what people have to say, and I learn people. The rest of the time, you ask me to do something I will without asking for anything in return.  The rest of the time I will do something special for you even if you don’t see the meaning behind it. The rest of the time I will be loyal and devote like a good girl going to church on Sunday. I walk the walk and I talk the talk. I show you honesty and truth, and I try to let you in as far under my armor as possible. I make myself vulnerable to you.


And in return, I get told that I am not good enough. That I don’t have a job! That you can’t let me in cause of your own personal problems. Look I have baggage too, but I do the best to make sure that you are not the one that has to carry that shit. But at the end of the day, what can do about that. You live on, you keep going. You find a way to make ends meet, you do what you need to do. Remember people, we are free! Ha ha ha. Case and point is that no mater what words I type here, no mater how often I rant and rave, things don’t change. They will stay the same, and people will evolve or they wont. End point.

Just a bit of Katchup…

It is time again for the words of a sadly inadequate poet. Not that what I am about to write is poetry at all. Its actually just a easy update on all that has been going on. This week has been sadly…. Uneventful. NOT!!! After recovering on Tuesday, I spent a great deal of time talking to my loves. I have been role playing a wickedly awesome game with My sweet Tiger. And I have been working on growth my little kitten. They are growing and learning. And though the arguments are still happening, since one of my earlier post they have become less. I went to EsoErotica at Always Lounge and enjoyed some great poetry. Then had a good night with my Kitten and then road a bike home.


I tell you this now, if you haven’t ridden a bike in years. Don’t think that you can do a five mile ride just like that. You can’t lol. My legs are killing me. I have been sleeping a lot more lately, which I think might be due to not enough sleep or more activity, but it also might be due to being depressed. I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not but I got my nails done and my eye brows waxed. Just one more step on becoming a women. My mom is ordering my first pair of heels and they should be here soon. They are going to so rock socks. Yes You heard me right my mother. I know that I don’t always get along with her, but I do know that even then, she still accepts me for who I am. Even if she don’t like it.


I talked to her for a few minutes today. We talked about some of the stuff I am already going to do when I feel it is the right time about the issues that have been facing me with my sister. I am upset about a lot of it, but I am taking my time addressing it to give myself time to have perspective and also gain the necessary energy to possibly have an argument. Not that it will solve anything. But I don’t give up with out a fight. I need to just keep working at my life and it will continue to get better.


My smoking habit has gotten worse, mostly due to stress and feeling slightly depressed. And I have had a nagging cough since this weekend. Though I think I might have caught a cold, it hasn’t taken me down yet. It just making me cough a lot. On further news, since Tuesday this week I have read 5 books. Actually read not listen to an audio book. So either I have way to much time. Which is the case some times, or…. I am just getting faster at reading. I have also noticed my typing skill has become a bit faster. Now if only my spelling and grammar would catch up.


I have been listening to Pandora a lot. And have a new fancy with Greek mythology again. I am also starting to think about writing a story again. Not sure what though. I feel that my creativity wanes and flows like the moon on her ever rotating phases. But we will see what comes about when I start this time. I know it takes focus and dedication to write something that isn’t a short story. But who knows. Alright that is enough words for now. Talk to you all later.



not another day in paradice

I do not even know how to start this post. I have a whole weekend to write for, and try to give it the proper face of my feelings and emotional states. But damn, it was complicated this weekend. A weekend that was supposed to be filled with role playing, movie watching and just fun time with the family, turned into a wild party like atmosphere where people did things that probably wasn’t the brightest thing to do. We barely watched the show properly, we never role played, and a lot of small offense where made.

But with all that said and done, with everything, that’s not what was upsetting to me. What upsets me, is that I will never be as pretty or desirable as the people I hang out with. If I am lucky I might get a bit more attention after I have gone through countless surgeries and have spent more money then I will ever make to look more womanly. But at the end of the day, I am just not drawing the same level of attention. I know people love me, I know I have people in my life that care about me. But every single one of those people didn’t find me cause I was beautiful, sexy, or desirable, they found me because I have a kind heart, and reached out to them to be there friends.

I know I sound sad and miserable like someone who has no self confidence. Which is not the case, I do. I just want to be desired, I want people to want me for how I look just as much as my rock awesome personality. Then every thing just kind of circled away from some of the very things I wanted to do the most.

I don’t like to be pushy, or to fight with people that I care about. I don’t like to be like danmit you promised me and now everyone fucking flaked. I don’t want to throw a childish temper-tantrum. But how do I express that I was displeased with being insulted by friend countless times, and then the one thing I was uber looking foreward to didn’t  happen because someone got upset and left, and then someone else didn’t know how to deal with that so refused to play and the last player just didn’t want to do it. Just like really. I guess I shouldn’t put much attachment in the things I want to do with others. Most of the time, what I want, isn’t what others want and I should just face that.

I hate opening myself up to people to. I shared some really deep stuff trying to help others, and was like oh okay. Thanks, but I’ll do my own thing instead. I don’t know if you can tell but I am irrated as all shit. I had a good time this weekend don’t get me wrong, I loved watching true blood, and I really loved spending time with everyone. I just have had a moment of jealousy of others beauty. Felt a bit insulted by some of the people there, and just like the one thing I was begging for never happened.

Lastly is I stayed with Jade to help take care of her and she took someone else to her bed. Even though I stayed to help her with everything. I didn’t want to “Sleep with her” but it would  have been nice to have been given the offer to lay next to her to help her through the night. I feel a bit underappreciated some times.  And I try not to make her feel like she needs to do things differently. But I really do invest a good part of my life right now helping her through things, talking to her about things, loving her as only I am able to, and would just like attention some times. Eh, the woes of a wingeing slave right.

Well I guess that is it.

The day after a weird day

Today, what a beginning of a day. It is 6:30 in the morning and my niece is crying. I don’t like starting my day’s off like this, but alas today was one of those days. I am struggling today, because my emotions are still really close to the surface. Who needs hormone replacement, just be me, I apparently do it far more naturally then the average human being. So yesterday was weird, just odd things happening left and right.


The biggest was, a ex-lover, semi good friend, who has found Jesus. By the way I have no problems with Jesus, nor do I have any problems with god. I might do a blog on my beliefs so people can understand it later. But I am not anti-Christian, I am anti-dogma. So that being said, I told her that I was seeking the Gender Re-assignment. She knows about me have DiD, however she assumed that I was seeking gender re-assignment because of my other personality. To be honest it is a contributing factor, but if you understand the fractures in my mind you would understand the female personality only existed because I disassociated the emotions associated with her. That being said, she wasn’t the only reason I choose the path I am on. But this friend, decided to say that “There are daemons in me.” That DID is not real. And that I needed to seek redemption.


Normally, if someone said those things to me, I would hall of and knock some sense into them. Because speaking to anyone like that, when it isn’t actually true, is just plain disrespectful. But because I have emotions for this person, I respectful disagreed, and warned them that I would not be preached at.  Then I had a mild argument with one of my submissives. Told you constantly fighting. Yes I am putting it in here, even though I know that both of you have to read my journal. This will help to have you be accountable for your actions. This argument was resolved, but it shouldn’t happen again. But I would place bets to lose them if it doesn’t happen because it happens so regularly I don’t trust that it won’t.


Then I spent two and half hours pep talking my other submissive. Explaining to her some of the finer points of reality and also trying to be patient and understand of her condition.


Now, you ask what did I do for me yesterday. To be honest, I am not quite sure. I wrote a bit, I gave a new protocol. I talked to a good friend of mine in the UK who I miss madly. I got broken up with because of being a girl now. Which is a major over simplification and please no one bash the person if you know who it is, because they don’t swing that way and its okay.


I guess the best point was talking to the person I miss. She is so awesome. I have been crushing on her hardcore for a long time now. Two halloween’s ago we got pretty friendly, but not as far as either of us I think would have liked it to go. But now there is this big wet pound in our way. And it’s not one either of us can swim through, so we have to wait for vacations. I wish I could go back to the UK to visit my friends there. I was only there for two years, but go I made a few really fucking awesome friends over there. Distance sucks major donkey cock.


So what will I change about today. No arguments if I can get away with it. Have a bit of fun for myself, and talk to those who mater just as much as I do everyday. Remember those who read, these are my thoughts and I express them so that there aren’t hidden. But you need to know that some times I am not happy, cause if you know then you might be able to do something about it.



Something on the inside

I haven’t really given out links to this blog yet, so if you find this you are probably some random individual that I don’t even know. Maybe you are one of the rare people in the next few hours that I will give the link. But I shall not give up my hopes or dreams that anyone actually reads my blogs. I have been doing this for years, and for years no one has been reading. Maybe its because I write this like an actual journal. Which means it here for me to work through some of the things that are going on in my head. So now is the time to start working through some of these things. If you comment or want to talk to me about it. Remember this is my journal if you read it and it upsets you, get over it. It is my thoughts. Thought’s don’t always mean you act on them. But I need to get them out of my head.


I am struggling. Really Struggling. But at the same time, I am trying to put up a good front. One that makes everyone happy to be around me. That I am not upset, depressed, or having serous self image issues. I have only recently become one with one of my other parts. Or more appropriately he became one with me. We are now Violet and its nice. I really love it. But goddamn its hard work trying to become the person you see in your minds eye. Then I am dealing with the fact that I am fighting almost constantly with both of my girlfriends. That my sister treats me like a slave. Which is all fine and dandy but I am not in a relationship with my sister. For obvious reasons, she is my sister. So being someone’s slave is kind of out of the question there. I work very hard at doing everything that everyone needs from me, and still be happy.

But it seems to me that I am failing at it some days. And I know the adage that you can’t please everyone. I am not trying to do that, I am just trying to do right by who I can, when i can. I really just need things to start working better for me. I am tired of all this negativity that seems to be affecting my life. I am trying hard really hard. Positive outlook and everything. I work hard at the jobs I do. I take care of those in my life. Some return it, others take more then they give.

That done for now, because I am not going to allow myself the abuse. Yea I am a women, but I am not a push over. I am a dominant strong individual who needs love, caring, and pampering. Sure I can be a princess. Sure I can be a bitch. Sure I can be a slut, and so many other words. But none of these things means I shouldn’t be treated like a human being. Because guess what that’s is what we all are at the end of the day. HUMANS.

There is so much going on I don’t even know where to start to elaborate. I really wish I could maybe getting some of it out of my head and on a digital format might let me look at it with a different perspective then the first person. But there is so much that right now I think this is all I will be able to write. But it is a start, the words are flowing and as they grow, maybe they will lay new seeds that i can pass on to new writings.